wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
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“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth