[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
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PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.