[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
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Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Oh yeah that’s it
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.