Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
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[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
*pronounces fake like saké*
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.