*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
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Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.