“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
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bias laundering edition
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Time for evil
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.