when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
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Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
won’t smith
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.