Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
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Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no