I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
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There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Sunday
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
*launders Kohls cash*
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields