Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
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Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Two types of dogs.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.