farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
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Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”