I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
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Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Hamburger Hinderer.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously