the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
You Might Also Like
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Welcome to the stomach
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude