Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
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When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.