5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
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Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
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In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil