I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
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Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Me recordaron éste meme
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.