Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
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Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.