God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
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I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever