Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
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This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
White Castle for the Win
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.