Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
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We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.