My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
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Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”