If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
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Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.