[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
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if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*