Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
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I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
A double negative is a big no-no.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]