[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
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Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.