Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
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If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth