4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
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When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
I ate everything, including the H.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]