I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
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Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
The biggest mystery of our time
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb