Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
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If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
dream blunt rotation
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.