2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
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Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.