*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
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Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow