this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
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Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
that colleague who touches your screen
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
calling in to work dehydrated
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies