Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
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[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
me opening up to someone
ATMs should have breathalyzers
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck