the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
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Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
#merica
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October