me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
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Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.