A leaf blower, but for people.
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UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”