me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
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Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.