mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
You Might Also Like
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp