Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
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According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
“just sayin” who asked you though?
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Breaking news:
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
who wants to go expliring
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.