“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
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*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
repaired
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
accurate