I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
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my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
In Canada they just call them geese
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.