I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
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*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
🏙👨🏼
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
nobody’s gonna understand
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car