Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
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My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”