LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
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In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.