scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
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2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.