Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
You Might Also Like
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.