I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
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ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
all bases covered
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers