I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
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Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.