a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
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Kid: …
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Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP