[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
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Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.